Wednesday, January 29, 2014

My heart is breaking. 

I have two teens, they're nearly grown, actually.  One has totally turned her back on my faith and rejects the notion of God, almost entirely.  The other....well, I had hoped for better.  She had a conversion experience several years ago.  She seemed to be on the right track...but suddenly, she is stand-offish about it all, and doesn't seem to want to do anything but placate my discussions on faith. 

And my heart is breaking for my children. The idea that one of them could die and spend eternity in hell is just beyond my ability to sanely accept.  This world is winding down quickly, and I see the other side drawing closer and closer at such an astounding rate!  This life is so temporary! It's just a blip!  My children! My children!  My prayers are almost just those words, because I don't even know what to pray for them, anymore.

Jeremiah 31:15 "This is what the LORD says: "A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping, Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because they are no more."

Then, I'm reminded of how often we see God feeling the same thing. We are told over and over in the Bible that God is our Heavenly Father, which explains how long-suffering He was with the chronic backsliding and idolatry of the Hebrews in the Old Testament.  He loved them too much to give up on them!  Even when He was forced to institute tough love, He always had an end goal of it being used to bring them back into right relationship with Him.

Luke 19:41-42 "But as they came closer to Jerusalem and he saw the city ahead, he began to cry.  “Eternal peace was within your reach and you turned it down,” he wept, “and now it is too late."

Matthew 23:37 ""O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the city that kills the prophets and stones God's messengers! How often I have wanted to gather your children together as a hen protects her chicks beneath her wings, but you wouldn't let me."

And, so, through this heartbreak over my own children, I learn more about God.  How much He loves us, and how much He LONGS to have us return that love; to spend time with us and bless us with "every good and perfect gift".

2 Peter 3:9 "The Lord does not delay His promise, as some understand delay, but is patient with you, not wanting any to perish but all to come to repentance."

And I know something, deep down in my very bones.  Those kids, those headstrong independent kids who are breaking my heart, they are still my kids.  They will ALWAYS be my kids.  There will NEVER be a time when I don't love them and long for the very best good things in their lives.  There will never be a time when I don't pray for them, and place my hope in God that He will bring them around someday so that we can spend eternity together.  If I can have such determination, how much more so does God?

So I cling to those moments in their childhood when they both professed love and acceptance of God, and I remind God that they are His kids, too, and if I won't give up on them, then He can't.  And in my heartbreak, I find a moment of peace.  

John 14:27 “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn’t fragile like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid."

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